First entry
Blogging again. I've never blogged just for myself, but I needed to do something to keep from going insane. I don't know if I'll share this with anyone, but I'm considering it. We'll see. I chose my user name in tripod, Paperflower1, based upon an Evanescence song, Paper Flowers. It talks about sleeping and dreaming in a field of paper flowers. I feel as though that's where I dwell. I live in this land of confusion, and on a daily basis I beat myself up for it. I don't understand why this is all so difficult. It is, to be sure, my heart versus my brain. My heart and brain are in constant conversation. My heart says to my brain that it has found a love like no other and to seize hold of it. My brain responds back that while that may be true, it's a love that can never be. There are too many road blocks. Too much heartache. Too much to overcome. I hate to be dramatic, but I think about Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, because there's was a love like no other, but a love that could never be. I have a counseling appointment today. I'm not even sure what to say to him. I don't even know where to begin. I want to cry out to him to save me - to tell me what to do. I'm tired of dwelling within myself. Daily I contemplate suicide. Daily. Daily I cry. Daily I try to find something to escape into. I'm sitting here on my bed with a migraine like no other. It started yesterday, and pounded louder and louder on the left side of my head. With each beat of my heart, it was as though a knife was being driven into my left eye. I had a restless night's sleep and with each waking moment my head pounded harder. I woke up this morning with no relief. I went to work, but left after a couple of hours once the left side of my face became numb with pain. I want to cry, but I know that it will only make it worse. I struggle to NOT think about the waves of emotion and thoughts that consume me every moment of every day, because to think on these things will only compound the feeling of the headache. So why am I blogging about it all then? Well, I guess because I thought maybe pecking it out would help relieve it. Clear the fog. Make a path. I likened the last 10 years of my life to a stone. "A rolling stone gathers no moss." But for 10 years I didn't roll. I sat dead still, living my life day by day, robotic. Because of that, the moss gathered on me, completely covering me up and consuming me. I need a hatchet to get through it now. Who am I really? My mother tells me that I need to figure out how to be happy and be myself without this one true love. That the happiness and freedom can only be found within myself and and not with him. Is it that, or is it that I AM myself with him and so with him I have that very freedom that I seek? I can't move. To be with him, I would have to move. If I move, I lose my children. Am I to choose between a love and my children? I love my children. I need to be in their life. But then, of course, I consider taking my life, so I wouldn't be in theirs then, would I? What a mess. What a maze. Well, counseling in an hour and a half. I'll blog after that. Until then.